"Deep listening helps us to recognize the existence of wrong perceptions in the other person and wrong perceptions in us. The other person has wrong perceptions about himself and about us. And we have wrong perceptions about ourselves and the other person. And that is the foundation for violence and war." ~Thich Nhat Hanh
O's Best Advice Ever, Eds. of O, The Oprah Magazine, Oxmoor House, 2011, p. 38.
According to Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh, Deep Listening is a
meditative act where you listen to the other person without interrupting,
arguing or offering your opinion. It is
an act of compassion. You are giving the
other person an opportunity to relieve their suffering by allowing them to
fully express themselves. In the
process, your mind becomes opened in awareness to the limitations of human
perception, both yours and theirs.
The advice from my friend Dave Howlett, founder of
RealHumanBeing.org, is assume everyone is intelligent. When I go into conversations with this in
mind, I can't help but ask myself, 'Am I cutting this person off because I
assume I know something that they don't?', 'Do I think I'm better at finishing
their sentences than they are?', 'Am I offering my opinion because I value my
ideas more than theirs?'
What's more, once I accept the idea that everyone is intelligent,
everyone I talk to becomes fascinating.
The inner conversation becomes, 'What can I learn from this person?',
and 'What perspective do they offer that can enrich my own?'
Just because someone is intelligent doesn't mean you have to agree
with everything they say. It simply
means that they have a rational perspective that has grown out of their
knowledge and experience, just as you have from yours.
And that brings us back to Deep Listening. When people begin to express an opinion very
different from our own, it is very easy to decide that they are wrong and
stupid for being wrong, and not worth listening to. This mental plugging-of-the-ears prevents us
from understanding the whole picture of who the other person is. When two sides disagree and won't listen to
the other, conflict develops. And if we
don't understand the person we disagree with, then it is hard to move past the
differences into a new understanding.
Thich Nhat Hanh says Deep Listening can bring about transformation
and healing. I'm sure he means
transformation and healing for both speaker and listener.
CHALLENGE: DEEP LISTENING
Practice "Deep Listening" at least once during the coming
week.
This means:
- Assume everyone is intelligent.
- Don't offer advice.
- Don't insert facts or details or things that you know.
- Don't correct them, even if they are wrong. Even if they are wrong about you.
- Don't stop your conversation partner until he or she is finished.
- Wait until the next time you see that friend before you offer your perspective.
Great post, Andrea!
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